The Xarkon Battleship Tormentor
LEGO by: Justin R. "Saber-Scorpion" Stebbins
Model Name: XNB-J02 "Jormundgand" Tormentor
Weight Range: Medium
Speed: Slow
Mobility: Floats at Sea
Armaments: 2 heavy ballistic cannons, 1 SAM missile rack, 1 Gorgon Bombardment Cannon
Capacity: Typically crewed by around 6 men, 2 in a real pinch
 - RETIRED -

The photography is blurry here because the photographer was trying to stay hidden. Yeah, that's it. No one is supposed to even know about the existence of the XNB (Xarkon Naval Battleship) Tormentor. A few months ago, the pitiful old Tormentor was ordered to join a fleet of newer, more advanced battleships (all of which have the ability to submerge like submarines - a standard in modern naval vessels) to help form a blockade around the nation of Mordark. Unfortunately, a group of Victorian divers managed to swim up from underwater out of a submarine that went undetected by the aging battleship (see the Takeover of Mordark LEGO comics for details). After this miserable failure, Xarkonian soldiers found the Tormentor abandoned and decided to scrap the piece of junk... until a group of pirates offered to buy the vessel. According to official Xarkon documentation, the Tormentor was destroyed. In reality, one Xarkon military officer lied and got himself a little bit richer.

The purchaser in this questionable transaction was Captain Bloody Bill Andersen. Andersen was pretty much just a bum in Mordark until he managed to gather up a gang of thieves. When asked about how he lost his leg, he'll claim he was fighting against a rival gang. He actually lost it while he was a bum. He was asleep on the sidewalk when the ruin of a building beside him finally decided to give up and topple over. One heavy beam landed on Andersen's leg and crushed it flat. Fortunately for him, he was so drunk that he barely felt it. As for his hand, that's another story. He decided it'd be cool to have an energy claw so he drank himself into a stupor and cut off his own hand. He loves his new claw. The hand itself later went the way of Van Gogh's ear.

The Xarkon officer kept his sale of the ship a secret, but it's likely that no one would have cared. The ship itself was so worthless when it was built that Xarkon's navy was pretty much decimated by the navy of Zygbar. And anyone who's ever seen Zygbar's navy of rusty junks knows just how embarrassing that is. The only thing that might have gotten the officer in trouble was the fact that he gave away a Gorgon Bombardment Cannon. The current crew of the Tormentor always jokes about Captain Andersen overcompensating and all that, of course.

Gorgon cannons launch small PlasmoNuclear shells. Don't ask the Captain Andersen exactly what a PlasmoNuclear shell is, because he doesn't know. He actually just made up the word to impress his crew. He doesn't know what the bloody L they are. As you can see, they are loaded into the cannon from the deck. Normally they'd be better protected on the deck, but the pirates are sloppy.

Cap'n Andersen is walking a fine line with his tactics. He tells his crew to wear red and black and he keeps the Xarkon symbol on the front, so that unfortunate ships will be fooled into thinking the Xarkon Empire is after them. If Xarkon ever found out what he was doing, he'd probably end up as Sea Dragon food.

He also keeps the shape of the Crown that was built into the ship itself. Erm, Andersen drew the embarrassingly sloppy crown right here, not me. Honestly.

The heavy-duty door on the lower deck is actually so tightly airlocked because the deck gets flooded all the time whenever the sea's choppy. The materials used to make the door are so old and junky that the outer handle even rusted solid brown.

Truth be told, Captain Andersen is a nutcase. Stealing Xarkon property, leaving the Xarkon emblems, waving around an ancient pirate saber, cutting off his own hand, and hiring the crew of crazies that he did...

The most experienced man in the crew is Mack, the gunner, in the red shirt. He was a Xarkonian artillery sergeant, but he was dishonorably discharged for getting drunk and punching out his superior officer. Then he did a few things so foul that they aren't even worth talking about.

Look, you're driving the Tormentor! Aren't you proud? The crew has written a little user manual for anyone who tries to drive this heap. A few of the notes in the manual include the fact that you have to tap the gauges or else they get stuck, the fact that that the chair is made of wood and you're advised to get a pillow or a pile of rags because it's darn uncomfortable, and the fact that the radar scanner on the left has been replaced with a device that detects fish. The crew likes to fish.

 
This is Burns, the guard. He was blinded in one eye when half his face got covered in gas and set on fire. Don't ask. Okay, okay, so actually his face only looks like that because I peeled a decal off his head and didn't bother to scrape off all the glue stuff.

The crew used up most half of the anti-air missiles by shooting them for fireworks on Independence Day. Mordark Independence Day, that is. As if that's anything to celebrate, considering what Mordark became after that. The pirates don't have much use for anti-air missiles anyway.

Bird's eye view. This ship is such a piece of junk that the seagulls (or whatever bizarre creature passes for seagulls in the different parts Terra Nova) won't even poop on it. It's a waste of poop.

Here's a final view of the XNB Tormentor. An ugly, ancient, useless ship in the hands of a mad hobo and his crazy gang, the Tormentor is clearly on the path to quick destruction. This LEGO won't last long either, for pretty much the same reasons (except I'm not a hobo, of course).

The real story: Okay, so I built this vehicle with the original intention of making a Xarkon Battleship that would be completely awesome. I quickly realized that it was turning out horribly, however, because it was too small and looked too similar to a present-day ship. After I established the new standard that nearly all modern naval vessels on Terra Nova can submerge, I changed this heap's backstory to fit. I kept it built only because I needed a ship in my LEGO comic and didn't have time to start all over. Still, it was enjoyable writing the captions. As of now (September 2006), the ship actually does still exist. I just haven't really found a reason to tear it up yet.